Meltz and Ernest Composer Page

A SELECTION OF SONGS FROM THE MELTZ/ERMEST SONGBOOK

A SONG FOR JULY

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

There are many songs for April
There are many songs for May
June is bustin’ out with songs
You’ll be singing them all day.
All the other months are covered but I’ve discovered
One that’s not…
Yes, I do believe that there is a month
That the songsmiths done forgot…
So, we’re gonna rectify that
‘Cause we don’t know why that
Is…

So, here’s a song for July
A month of music and mirth and laughter and legs
A song for July
With all those sparklers and songs you won’t be down in the dregs
There’s fireworks, parades
There are wieners on the barbecue.
Everything’s color-coordinated
In red, white and blue
It’s true

So, here’s a song for July
A month of dancing and fun and smooching and slaw
A song for July
With all that dancing and fun you’d think there would be a law
There’s swimming in the pool
There’s a party on the patio.
Everyone’s wearing their little swimsuits
And no one feels low
You know

Why should July be slighted
Why should July be put upon?
I think July should be knighted
It’s Sir July from now on.

So, here’s a song for July
A month of romance and love and fondling and corn
A song for July
With all that romance and love we should be blowing the horn
There’s sunshine all day long
People lounge and chat and play
Everything’s lazy and really laid back
The skies are blue and never gray
So keep your April June and May
July is my idea of heaven above
So, here’s a song for July
A lovely song for July
Because the month of July’s
The month I love.

WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT?

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Words pour out of me like water from a tap
I talk and I talk and I talk.
But the words that pour out of me are just so much crap
I get so angry - I take a walk -
And think

I have a conversation
I'm speaking words no doubt
But people don't have a single clue to
What the hell I'm talking about!

I speak in simple rhythms
I never scream or shout
But people just look at me and say, hey
What the hell are you talking about?

Yeah, what the hell am I talking about
When I blab and blab and blab?
My thoughts aren't lean, my prose ain't clean
I do not have the gift of gab!

When I am at a party,
The words come tumbling out
But people just scratch their heads and sigh, why
What the hell is he talking about?

So that's my situation
I do not mean to pout
But every time I happen to speak, eek!
What the hell am I talking about?
What the hell am I talking about?
What the hell am I talking about!

WHAT'S GNU?

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

What's gnu?
Pardon, but you're on my shoe.
I wish you'd take a hike
You are bad gnus - bad gnus I don't like

What's gnu?
You're like a bad case of flu
You make me want to heave,
That is the gnews, now I have to leave.

What's gnu?
Why don't you go sniff some glue.
I really hate your guts
Frankly, my dear, you're driving me gnuts
No ifs or butts

We're through
Why would I stay with a gnu?
You lousy so and so
That's how I feel - I thought you should gknow.

TWO SHRIMPS AND A CALIFORNIA ROLL

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

I have this tiny flaw,
I don't like fish that's raw
So eating sushi isn't what I do.
But who knew I'd find bliss
In a sushi bar like this
But I found bliss because I discovered you...

Two shrimps and a California Roll,
And you.
Two shrimps and a California Roll
And I knew I was through.
You came in through the door,
I had seaweed in my teeth
I was munching on some rice and crab
When you sat down and we began to gab-

Two Shrimps and a California Roll
And you.
Two Shrimps and a California Roll
Is what you ordered, too.
You sat right next to me,
And we seemed to strike a spark.
For you hated raw fish just like me
And I knew then we'd found sushi harmony-

No tuna, no yellow tail for us
It wasn't even something to discuss
Eating sushi was a minor hobby
Though we both loved soy sauce and wasabe
But we both shared the same bravado
When it came to crab and avacado-

Two Shrimps and a California Roll
And you.
Two Shrimps and a California Roll
My single days are through.
For since that lovely night
We have never been apart
We're like two shrimps on a bed of rice
It's a metaphor - but one that's nice
We're together and we're whole,
Because of two shrimps and a California Roll!

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

I am writing this letter
I’ll be mailing this letter
You’ll be reading this letter
And what could be better
Than that?

To whom it may concern,
I love you.
To whom it may concern,
I care.
To whom it may concern I just adore you
I want some more you
And so I’m writing this letter for you…

To whom it may concern,
You slay me.
To whom it may concern,
It’s true.
To whom it may concern I’m simply smitten
And I’ve been bitten
And that is why you are reading what I have written

Oh, whom,
You’re marvelous – divine.
Oh, whom,
Can I ever hope that you’ll be mine
Mine

To whom it may concern,
I need you.
To whom it may concern,
I really do.
To whom it may concern I say sincerely
That you are merely
The one I’m thinking of.
To whom it may concern,
Signed, “Love, love, love, love
Love”.

THE SINE, COSINE AND TANGENT OF ALPHA 2
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Our love is complicated
Like trigonometry
No simple math here
Our twisted path here
Is the strangest thing you'll see -

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
If I knew the answer then I might know everything that I should do.
I can't figure you out
You’re very hard to solve
The square root of one
Is simply no fun
Yet the world continues to revolve

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
If the tan of alpha/2 equals one, does that mean that we are through?
The sum of what I feel
Is not a simple thing
Are we minus or plus
A one or an "us"
Will we drift apart or congeal?

Are we just a bunch of sines and cosines
Am I on a tangent?
Can you hear my heart break apart
With a sound that’s very plangent

What is the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
Won’t you give me your answer, don’t make me wait, now before my tears accrue
The problem is at hand
We really mustn’t fail
We’re in quadrant 1
And believe me hon
This problem we’ve got to nail
So, what’s the sine, cosine and tangent of alpha/2
And will we find that the total equals me and you?

THE FRIDAY AFTER THE THURSDAY BEFORE THE SATURDAY
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

If it’s Friday after the Thursday before the Saturday,
Would Wednesday be the former and Thursday the
latter day?
And if Sunday is the one day
That comes after Saturday
If you ate more on Sunday
Would that be a fatter day?

The days of the week can sometimes be confusing,
The days of the week can sometimes be obtuse.
Though the days of the week are sometimes oblique
They’re always unique even if you are Greek

If it’s Friday after the Thursday before the Saturday,
Then can Sunday be far away?
If it’s suddenly Sunday
The next day is Monday
We’re off on a rondelay
For the days of the week keep rolling along
And as long as you know that then what can be wrong?
And so open your mouth and start singing so strong
This Friday after the Thursday
Before the Saturday
Song!

SILLY FOOD

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

When I'm in the mood,
For some silly food.
I don't come unglued
I find some silly food.
Here's a sample of what I eat
A brief example - it's sorta neat...

Macaroni
And baloney
Eating sundaes
Just on Mondays
Or beef jerkey
And pressed turkey
Hot tamales
Or bialys
Pickled beets and prunes and chili
Oh, my goodness, aren't they silly
Still they're eaten by Aunt Lily
Who's not crass or crude
She just likes silly food.

Tapioca
Almond Roca
Stewed tomatoes
Stuffed potatoes
Bags of Cheetos
Or Doritos
Squash and scallions
Beef medallions
Fancy foods are fine and frilly
I won't eat them, they're not silly
Oh, they're fine for Fred and Millie
They've got attitude
They don't like silly food.

Silly food, silly food,
I love to eat it, I love to eat it.
Silly food, silly food,
You just can't beat it, you just can't beat it.

Rice-a-Roni
Rigatoni
Guacamole
Or cannole
Mozarella
Mortadella
Enchiladas
Empanadas
Canned sardines may leave you chilly
I find them extremely silly
I'm just like my Uncle Billy
Who dines in the nude.
He just likes silly
I like silly
We all like silly food.
We all like silly food!

RANKLED IN A LEOPARD-SKIN DICKIE
Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

When I am happy I like to wear nice clothing
But when I’m loathing
I like to wear weird stuff.
So, look at what I’m wearing, baby and maybe
You’ll see…
That as of now, I’ve really had enough!

I am
Rankled in a leopard-skin dickie,
Yes, I know a dickie’s just a bit sickie.
But when I’m rankled then I just become picky
About the wardrobe I wear
Not to mention my hair

I am rankled in a leopard-skin dickie,
So I’ll make this little ditty a quickie.
I am rankled ‘cause you gave me a hicky
And so I covered the hicky
With the leopard-skin dickie
Anger brewed and then I stewed
And now I’m standing in the nude
With my hair all akimbo and my leopard-skin dickie
I’m sure that you might find this rude
But I am rankled in a leopard-skin dickie
Because the hicky has ruined my mood!
And I am rankled!
The hicky has ruined my mood!
You little dickens!
That hicky has ruined my mood!

NO LONGER FLACCID

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

That time that we took acid
We were young - we were screwy.
You thought I was a camel
I thought you were a four hundred pound girl named Louie.
But we've grown up, matured
Our screwiness is cured
We've given up on acid
And now our minds are no longer flaccid...

No longer flaccid,
Our minds are erect and straight and tall.
We don't even smoke any pot
No pot, no not at all.
We've stopped taking Quaaludes
We don't pop those pills.
We don't need to free base,
We're free from all our ills.

No longer flaccid,
Our minds were limp and simply gone.
It was hard to tell just what the hell
We were on
But whatever it was we just sat all day
And watched Tron.
(It blew our minds...)

But now we're
No longer flaccid.
Our minds are clean and free and fine
Ev'rything is healthy and good
The worst we do is wine.
We don't do any doobies,
The thought of it appalls.
We're living in the Valley
But not the Valley of the Dolls...
No, we're no longer flaccid
It truly is a fact.
That we're no longer flaccid
Yes, we're no longer flaccid
'Cause we've cleaned up our act.

MY AUNT FANNY'S EYEBALLS

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

My Aunt Fanny's nose is so cute and dear,
My Aunt Fanny's ears? Well, they're a little queer,
Her mouth - divine
Her teeth - so fine
Her chin is sweet, her brow is neat
Her cheeks are red just like a beet
But my Aunt Fanny's eyeballs are the thing that you must see
She takes them out and juggles them, and puts them in her tea
Because sometimes my Aunt Fanny and her eyeballs disagree
She's funny that way
So silly - so gay

I’M CALM AS A CUCUMBER

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

If I had a dollar
For ev’ry time I got hot under the collar
I’d be a millionaire
But baby I’ve learned my lesson
And baby I’m confessin’
I’ll retire my ire and from now on
I won’t have a care
And now

I’m calm, calm as a cucumber
I’m cool as a potato chip
While I used to get quite angry
Now look how I’ve got a grip

I’m calm, calm as a cucumber
I’m cool as boysenberry pie
While I used to simply blow up
Now my tantrums blow right by

Look at me
Fancy and free
Making things light and fun
Look at me
Got a degree
In Happiness 101

I’m calm, calm as a cucumber
I’m cool as a banana split
While I used to blare and bellow
Now I never have a fit

I’m calm, calm as a cucumber
I’m cool as a corned beef on rye
Yes, I’m a calm and cool customer
And quite a happy-go-lucky guy

I’M A BLUE BLUE JEW

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

WE HAD A LOVELY LIFE, DEAR
YOU WERE MY LOVELY WIFE, DEAR
BUT NOW I AM FILLED WITH STRIFE, DEAR
EVER SINCE YOU WENT AWAY, DEAR
I’M NOT FEELING BRIGHT AND GAY,DEAR

I’M A BLUE BLUE JEW,
OVER YOU, OVER YOU
EVER SINCE YOU LEFT ME
I’VE BEEN A BEREFT ME
AND I CAN’T EAT BORSCHT
CAN’T EAT BRISKET
MY HEART COULDN’T RISK IT

I’M A BLUE BLUE JEW,
DEAR, IT’S TRUE, IT’S SO TRUE
WHEN YOU SAID ‘SHALOM’, DEAR
AND YOU LEFT OUR HOME, DEAR
ALL YOU LEFT WAS LOX
AND SOME HERRING
WAS THAT VERY CARING?

AND NOW I’M ALONE
DROWNING MY TEARS IN CHICKEN SOUP, DEAR
I’M ON MY OWN
WHY DID YOU FLY THE CHICKEN COOP, DEAR?
ALL I CAN SAY IS ‘OY’
I’M AN UNHAPPY KOSHER BOY

I’M A BLUE BLUE JEW
FOR WE’RE THROUGH, YES, WE’RE THROUGH
NO MORE SHARING BLINTZES
DINING WITH THE MINTZS
NOW I’M MIXING MEAT WITH THE DAIRY
AND THAT’S PRETTY SCARY
IT’S TRUE, SO NU?
OH, I’M A BLUE BLUE JEW
OVER YOU.

I FEEL LIKE PERRY MASON

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

You’re a mystery to me, dear,
Do you like me? Do you hate me?
Will you ignore me? Will you date me?
Yes, you’re a mystery to me, dear
And I’d like to solve the case
So that we can then embrace…

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s chasin’ those clues.
I’m sleuthing for a true thing
That will give me the news
Whether you’d like to come and hug me
Or have somebody drug me
And throw me in the ocean with the scrod
Yes, I feel like Perry Mason and that’s odd.

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s facin’ the judge.
I’m sweating but I’m betting
That the judge will not budge.
I need to know if you adore me
Or if you just abhor me
And want me to be like a missing shoe
Oh, I feel like Perry Mason, yes, I do.

But Perry’s very good
He doesn’t lose a case.
So, come and take my hand
And forget about the mace.

I feel like Perry Mason
When he’s racin’ the clock.
He prizes those surprises
And delivers a shock.
And the shock is, babe, I love you
I’m only thinking of you
So marry me and move into my place.
And this Perry Mason will have won his case
Yes, this Perry Mason will have won his case!

I EAT MAYO ON CINCO DE MAYO

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest (adapted from an original Spanish poem by Jose Xaviar Esposito Rodriguez Mendoza IV)

Oh, I eat mayo on Cinco de Mayo
I eat mustard on the 4th of July.
I like jelly and jam on Halloween,
Although I really cannot even tell you why.

Oh, I eat mayo on Cinco de Mayo
I sing Day-O when I visit Ohio.
Every holiday I'm wacky
And they think that I'm on cracky
Eating mayo on Cinco
They may think that I am stinko
Eating mayo on Cinco
de Mayo.

Oh, I eat mayo on Cinco de Mayo
I eat margerine when it's Labor Day.
I like butter on scones on Christmas Eve
I am zany that's the only thing to say.

Oh, I eat mayo on Cinco de Mayo,
I am a-okay whenever I fly-o
Every holiday I'm kookie
And they think that I am spooky
Eating mayo on Cinco
They may say that I'm a Pinko
Eating mayo on Cinco
de Mayo...
Every holiday I'm loony
I eat ice cream with a spoony
You can have a lot of Cincos
If you copy them at Kinko's
Eating mayo on Cinco
de Mayo.

GROGGY AND ACHY

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Groggy and achy
And sneezing and coughing
Wretching and shvitzing
And all 'cause of you
'Cause you gave me the flu

Yes, you infected me and ran -
And now I feel all
Groggy and achy
And nauseous and yechhhy
And queasy and all because of you.

You know I just need to lie down
I need sleep
But I keep blowing my nose
You know my Kleenex just ran out
What to do?
Toilet paper - use the toilet paper

'Cause I'm blowing and hocking
And pissy and foggy
Groggy and achy
And all because of you
Giving me the flu.
What I'd really like to do
Is give it back to you.

AMBROSIA SALAD

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

The world is moving too fast
And so are the songs they play.
They’re manic and antic
They’re making me frantic
They’re none too romantic
Or gay…
So, it’s time to be gentle
And yes, sentimental
It’s time for a ballad
Like Ambrosia Salad…

Life can be sweet
Like Ambrosia Salad
Like when you eat
Some Ambrosia Salad
You feel very fruity and fine
And your life is whipped cream and divine

Life can be grand
Like Ambrosia Salad
Fresh fruit or canned
In Ambrosia Salad
But whether it’s fresh or it’s canned
With a cherry life’s not very bland.

You’ll find in Ambrosia
A tiny marshmallow
That makes you feel mellow and gooey.
When you eat Ambrosia
You look at the bad things in life
And you simply say phooey.

And
Life is a treat
Like Ambrosia Salad
Life is complete
Like Ambrosia Salad
It’s filled with those flavors that burst
And life is the best not the worst -
So, when you feel cursed
When you’re feeling sub-par
Just know that Ambrosia’s not very far
Away…
So make life an Ambrosia Salad
Today.

A SONG FOR JULY

Music by Hinky Meltz Lyrics by Ernest Ernest

Why should July be slighted
Why should July be put upon?
I think July should be knighted
It’s Sir July from now on.